I had a dream last night that stuck with me.

In the dream, I had bought a vape and was smoking weed. I don't vape, I do love Mother Jane though, so I have been making an intention to stay away from it as it can easily become an addiction for me. However I was feeling a little guilt when I was drawn back into it through a goodnight spent with good people recently. When I woke up, instead of feeling bad about it, I had this really clear thought: the more we judge what we’re doing and label it as wrong, the more stuck we seem to stay in it. It’s like the shame itself keeps the cycle alive. The tension builds, and we reach for whatever gives us relief.

It made me wonder if acceptance actually creates more balance than control ever could. Not acceptance as in “everything is fine,” but acceptance as in seeing what’s happening without attacking ourselves. When there’s less inner pressure, it feels like we naturally start wanting better for ourselves instead of acting from rebellion or avoidance.

At the same time, I get the other perspective too. A lot of people live by the idea that life is short, so why not enjoy it. One life to live, right. That mindset shows up everywhere. With substances. With food. With spending. With how much we consume.

That led me to think about nature. We feel sad about trashing the ocean, but we keep overconsuming. We feel guilty about killing animals for food, but in nature, animals don’t feel bad killing each other. It’s the circle of life. The difference is that nature lives in balance. It takes what it needs and stops.

Humans don’t stop. We overeat. We overproduce. We waste. We take more than we need and then carry guilt instead of responsibility. And that inner chaos doesn’t stay inside us. We create hell within, and then we create it outside too.

I started wondering what would actually change if we lived more simply. If we weren’t constantly consuming. If we listened to our bodies instead of numbing them. If eating once a day, slowly and intentionally, would reduce how much destruction we cause. Not as a rule, but as a reflection. What do we really need?

Another part of the dream felt almost funny at first. I was at my grandparents’ house. My grandpa came home crying and furious because his work was going to take away his benefits since he hadn’t used them. He was older, close to the end of his life, and completely upset about losing something he had earned but never allowed himself to use.

In the dream, I didn’t argue with him. I didn’t explain systems or fairness. I just told him I’d set up an account so he could start using his benefits. I told him he deserved to. That at his age, he probably needed them. And he immediately calmed down.

When I woke up, I realized how familiar that moment felt.

Saving. Holding back. Not using what’s available because of the fear that there won’t be enough later.

That belief runs deep in my family. It comes from generations of scarcity and survival. And I can see how much of that belief lives in me too. Not just with money, but with rest, pleasure, nourishment, and even joy. As if receiving fully is somehow dangerous.

What I realized after sitting with this is that my entire life, I didn’t really have a choice. I grew up with a strict father who made decisions for me. What I did. What was acceptable. What wasn’t. I was scared to choose for myself because I was taught that choosing wrong had consequences.

So for a long time, I didn’t live. I followed. I saved. I held back. I stayed safe.

This phase of my life has been about giving myself permission. Permission to feel fear and still act. Permission to choose differently than my family. Permission to live without everything being controlled by scarcity or survival.

The dream made me realize that a lot of healing isn’t about discipline or restriction. It’s about permission. Permission to receive. Permission to rest. Permission to use what’s available. Permission to live now instead of waiting for some future moment where it finally feels safe enough.

My grandpa didn’t need more benefits. He needed permission.

And honestly, I think over the past couple years, I’ve been learning how to give that to myself too.

….

If your reading this and can relate, I invite you to contemplate the journal prompts below ,

• What do I believe I need to earn before I can rest?

• What beliefs about scarcity or “not enough” did I inherit from my family?

• If I trusted that there is enough, what would I allow myself today?

• Where am I waiting until “later” to live?