Different medicines have woven themselves into my path, each arriving at the exact moment I was ready for them.

It began with mushrooms back in high school. Even then, I sensed their ability to open doors inside me.

Then came the call of Mother Ayahuasca, whose presence I felt like an ancient force, deeply rooted, guiding me into the shadows and into my heart. Each time I sat with her, I felt myself unraveling old layers, seeing both my pain and my power with clearer vision.

Bufo came as lightning, a cosmic fire that dissolved everything and left only truth. Though intense, I found that my ability to surrender allowed me to meet the medicine with openness. Because of that, I’ve never had a “bad journey.” Even in the hardest moments, I trusted, breathed, and let go, and what I received was always beyond words.

And now, even ketamine (something I never thought I’d try because it’s synthetic) came to me through divine timing. It felt like a sister to Aya, yet with its own unique medicine: matrix-like, colorful, spacious, floating me into the void.

I never thought ketamine would call to me, I didn't feel drawn, but life works in mysterious ways.

A dear friend of mine healed her MS through this medicine and has since been mentored in how to hold space for others. She invited me into ceremony, and I said yes.

She asked me what kind of dose. I told her: "go big or go home."

She asked if I had brought anything for the altar? A picture, a crystal.

I said no, I had only brought myself. And truly, that was all I needed. To come as I am.

When she asked my intention, I opened my heart and spoke:

“I open myself to what needs to be revealed.”

And the medicine answered.

⸻

Entering the Void

Much like my journeys with other medicines, I was shown once again the same truth, the same feeling: I was pulled into the void.

It is a place of infinite space, where I float between nothing and everything. Beautiful colors and sacred patterns surround me.

( The very reason I’ve always been drawn to mandalas and carry them tattooed on my body)

The more I breathe, the deeper I go; the less I breathe, the more I return to the edges of what we call “reality.” But that void, that infinite home, feels more real than this world ever has. It feels like the place I was born from before being placed here on Earth.

There, it is only me, my breath, my energy. I feel utterly held. Safe. Supported. Loved.

I didn’t want to leave. Every time I returned to body and tried to explain where I had been, I was overcome with waves of emotion and tears. Gratitude filled my heart, gratitude for being allowed to return, even briefly, to where I came from.

In that space, I felt a love so immense, a peace so deep, that all of me surrendered. With every breath, the universal sound of aum resonated through me, a lullaby of infinite energy.

Breath itself became the message.

Breath is life.

Breath is the bridge to the void.

And the timing… divine. Just days after the blood moon, as my cycle synced with the full moon, I journeyed on 9/9/9 — the number of completion, of endings and beginnings.

This mirrored my life this year: reuniting with my family in Poland, healing the last fragments of my inner child, shifting into new, more authentic relationships with both my father and mother. I could feel cycles closing, and a new belonging within my soul opening.

The medicine reminded me that I want to carry the energy of Jesus wherever I go, to be a light, a beacon for others, to embody love in action.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life. I feel so deeply supported from every angle.

This journey brought me back home.

Back to the void.

Back to the breath.

Back to love.

I feel as if I have come full circle, from letting go of my stories I carried due to past hurt, to healing my relationship with my mom and dad. I see so much more clearly, I feel so much more deeply. Today, I arrive in Indonesia, ready to live on an island for the year. To be secluded, to anchor within myself everything I wish to step into without the old narrative playing In the background.

My travels have unraveled me at a rapid pace. I was stripped of everything, even down to losing my luggage not once but twice. And in that stripping, I was given the greatest gift: space.

Space to listen. Space to receive. Space for what Spirit wants to enter.

A year ago, I prayed: make me a vessel, guide me where you will. And Spirit has answered, opening doors, offering opportunities, and showing me again and again that I am held.

I am living my dream. I don’t even know what’s next, and that feels beautiful. I am floating in the unknown, savoring the present moment, deepening into myself away from conditioning and distraction.

The more I know myself, the more clearly I can shape what I want to manifest next. Part of me trusts fully in surrender, that life is already laid out for me. Another part knows that when I hold clear vision, the universe responds.

Perhaps the truth is both:

We are guided, and yet we create.

And so I float in the mystery, guided by breath, by love, by faith. Trusting that wherever Spirit leads me, I am already home.

Thank you Medicine, for being such an integral part of my healing & journey to self.

Xoxo